BEMLi

[MHW]

One fine day, the Hon Walker decided to ask the BEMLi on the correct way to
peel and onion. Mr Mailer replied as follows:

"Slice off the top and bottom knot, and then bang the side with a heavy pot,
about five times, rotating the vegetable slightly each time so that its
tangents receive about equal flagelation. Then score one line from sliced
pole to sliced pole about 0.5 cm deep. The skin will come off easily."

"Admit it, John, you were expecting something like this weren't you?" Lord
O'Loughlin inquired of Walker. The reply came:

"What, Nick to make something up, but say it with the assurity of one wise
in its way?"

"Oh yes."

"The beautiful thing is, for Nick, it's not understood as 'making it up'.
For him, it is merely 'deciding'. It isn't material whether an onion was
more easily peeled in this way. But now that Nick has decided, it better had
catch up. Occasionally he has hits, like when he decided adding cinnamon to
a bath would help a cold. Occasionally he talks complete nonsense, like the
other night when he decided that condensed milk spread on toast was a
sensible nighttime snack."

--
MHW

[MHW]

Ms Hiley is taking a course in journalism. She related an exchange from a
recent class.

"I mentioned the Yom Kippur fast, entirely in context, at my class this
evening. There was a tense pause until I revealed my connection to said
wacky japes. Frickin' right-on lefty weirdos. One of them used to live in a
teepee on Greenham Common and asked me what warfarin was. I told her it was
an anticoagulant, to which she flapped her hands about and said 'oh, I don't
know all these medical terms! I thought it was rat poison.' Being into
crappy detoxifying fasts and the like, I realised her teeny emaciated vegan
brain would be unable to cope with the idea that what makes warfarin a rat
poison *also* makes it a valuable anticoagulant drug."

"So next week I'm going to write a precis of an article that makes her look
like the thicky weirdy hippy she undoubtedly is."

--
MHW

[MHW]

Ms Hiley, displaying the a mark of true BEMLi:

~

From: Victoria Hiley
Sent: 12 October 2003 16:36
To: ukcustomer.relations at the-body-shop.com
Subject: Drench Sponge

I was disappointed to note that on getting the Drench Sponge home, the
packaging promised me that the sponge 'regains it's super soft feel on
contact with water'. This is a glaring grammatical error (it's means 'it
is'- I assume the copy writer meant 'its') and does absolutely nothing for
your corporate image - I might expect to see it in a greengrocer's, but not
on the products sold in a respected global chain.

I proof read promotional literature as part of my job and I know how many
people see and check these things before they are printed, therefore I am
surprised to see such a basic mistake appear on your product packaging. This
error damages the brand you spend so much time and resources in maintaining.

Label me as a pedant if you wish (it's accurate), but while people rarely
notice correct grammar, some*will* spot it when it's wrong.

Regards

Victoria Hiley.

--
MHW

[MHW]

Dr Halligan, despite his academic standing, maintains a keen interest in
popular culture. His reaction to Cheryl Tweedy's* community-based sentence
for assault:

"it would be so much more convivial to think that she's currently in an
all-women block in prison, where the lesbian guards turn a blind-eye to the
sexual assaults she gets from other harridans in her cell, preferably black
ex-toilet attendants."

--
MHW

*Vocal stylist with the popular UK quintet, 'Girls Aloud'.

[MHW]

The Hon Walker makes a grammatical error.

~~

I saw that on the front page of the Daily Mail today, it says "Tory's
press self destruction button" or somesuch.
Not wanting to touch it, I found out no more.
Does anyone know what they are referring to? I'm intrigued if the Mail
itself thinks that the party is committing suicide.

Dear Bemli.

I would like to take this opportunity to formally apologise for the
misuse of the apostrophe above.

It occured after I recalled the headline more carefully, having begun
with a statement referring to something possessive of the Conservative
Party, and then remembered that this was not correct.

However, in doing so, I failed to remove the apostrophe, and hence have
damaged not only myself, but the English language itself.

Please, do all you can to find the strength to forgive me.

John (NICK GOT ME MMMMPH MMMMMMPHHHH PHHHHHHH)

--
MHW

[MHW]

Mr Ralph has a way with words:

"Gummo for example is the equivalent of Brian Sewell oiling himself up with
the stink and excrement of a dozen pramface tarts, wanking onto the fidgety
body of a homeless flid, smearing the spermy flid onto a couple of reels of
film and presenting the resultant images as transgressive art."

--
MHW

[MHW]

Herr Gargin managed to stir up his weekly quota of bile from the BEMLi. His
suggestion that the crowd must be on a collective period drew the following
response from Mr Neil Dbc:

"Well, we're all tired of dealing with a bleeding cunt, if that's what you
mean."

--
MHW

[MHW]

Mr G has his warm side. On the subject of Halloween:

"It's tomorrow, isn't it? What's the accepted etiquette for repelling
Trick-or-Treat urchins? I won't be in the pub tomorrow night, which means
I'll be in when they call round. The council has yet to approve my plans for
a moat around my house, so I've got to endure another year of carol singers
and children dressed as Harry Potter. It was so much easier to be antisocial
when I lived in a block of flats."

--
MHW

[MHW]

As stated previously, a BEMLi holds good grammar to be highly important.
Witness Mssrs Coxall and Mailer:

"We once spent an hour or more wandering around Canary Wharf desperately
trying to find one sandwich shop with a literate signwriter."

"It was very depressing. We were hungry (it was after the night of Posi
Servermoves, and we were the relief shift) and EVERY SINGLE cafe,
restaurant, coffee shop and takeaway had an apostrophe abuse, mostly beyond
merely careless and in the "With fried potatoe's" realm of hideousness."

--
MHW

[MHW]

Mr Mailer on modern lyrics:

"Zigazig ahhh seems, in final analysis, to be little more than an aural
euphamism for the combined male and female orgasm. What, I believe, the
group are suggesting is that what they really want is to enjoy a bout of
climactic sexual intercourse with a particular suitor, that suitor existing
in the mind of the male listener as being himself, and in the mind of the
female listener as a mate which they, like the Spice Girls, are invited to
consider for the same. This is tempered by the following lyrics, designed to
illucidate the somewhat rambling and self-contradictory requirements that
suitor must fulfill before the copulation and said ejaculatory orgasm might
be achieved. Of course, to express this in such terms in a mainstream pop
song is not encouraged, so the final climactic moment is encoded in the twee
onomatopoaic phrase. It is, in structuralist speak, a sign to a tacit
signified, the knowledge of which should be present only in the minds of
those for whome the lyrics are constructed. "

--
MHW